How do you solve a problem like Mariah?

This wo-man never seize to mesmerize me. The voice that makes you feel suicidal, the hair that makes you cry of anger, the boobs that make you turn gay. But what do we really know about Ms Scarey? Not a lot. When Madonna makes 2 hour long documentaries about herself and goes on Oprah to defend her adoption and Michael Jackson goes out in public and smiles and talks about his children and explains that he's not a kiddy fiddler and has only had 2 operations on his face Mariah is always silent. She never speaks about anything. No boyfriends, no favourite films, no nothings.
We are of course extremely happy that she keeps her trap shut as we are sure her favourite film is Grease 2.
But just look at this picture! It's so nice! She's so nice. Just look at the way she helps the elderly and the poor.
Here we were all wrong about her the whole time. She is not a dumb ass with an ass the size of her bank account. She is a friendly and kind person with a heart of gold.